Seeing the CANs among the cannots

Let's get this party started!

Tomorrow it will be two weeks since my surgery. In the time since, I have slept a lot, forgotten much, read two amazingly powerful books, and discovered A LOT of things that I currently cannot do.

We arrived in Iowa City before the sun rose and were greeted with kindness every step of the way.  Believe it or not I actually likened the pre-op experience to being at Disneyworld several times.  Happy faces around every corner as you are shuttled from one waiting area to another.  People dressed in "costume" with masks hiding their true identities, AND as the patient, I even got to ride everywhere.

Disneyworld!
 

Seriously though, I am so thankful for the compassion of my doctors, nurses, anesthesia team, medical assistants, everyone I met during my stay in the hospital was a blessing.   There is huge difference betweeen people who have jobs and people who have a passion for what they do everyday. 

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.  ~Philippians 1:3(KJV)

To make my great experience even better, after surgery I was transported to my room in the PapaJohn Pavillion.  Now, all of you who know me, even if it is just as an aquaintance, know my love for football.  So,  despite the groggy, post op medicine head, I did indeed ask if Peyton Manning would be making rounds. 

pizza anyone?

The worst part of post op as anyone can imagine is the pain.  I remember lying there confused as to why I had pain in the middle of my chest.  It took a day or so before I realized that I had an incision there. Apparently I checked out when they told me about the incision sites because I was completely surprised.   I ended up with four incisions 1-2 1/2 inches each.  If you connect them I would have a big J from just below my sternum over to my left hip.    They didn't look too awful but their presence made moving a challenge.   I cannot get up. 

Another first for me was a foley catheter.  Convenient contraption for my current state of not wanting to move for the pain.  I was however anticipating like Christmas, bidding the bag ba-bye.  I was excited to get up and tour my semi private bath.   Funny thing though, something that had been automatically occuring since birth with little to know thought suddenly became a puzzle.  Which muscles do you contract? Which ones relax? There are a lot of muscles, this could take some time, and it did.   I cannot pee.

I saw small improvements and I still see them with each passing day.  When Dr. Howe came to see me Wednesday evening, he mentioned how well I was doing and that I would probably get to go home on Thursday instead of Friday.  I smiled and then as soon as he left the room, filled with panic I cried.  I had to go to elaborate acrobatics to get myself out of the hospital bed, how in the world was I ever going to be able to function without my nurses, and my trusty  green dilaudid button.   I cannot go home.

Thursday morning came and I was embracing it with a can-do attitude.  I would go be going home and I'm gonna be fine, maybe.... Goodbye Iowa City, hello hour long car ride.  I am so thankful to my  friend Tami and little Owen for coming to take me home, but I was dreading the trip.  Afterall, every trip on this journey so far has included me hanging out of a car door puking on the side of the road.  The incentive spirometer I had to breath into was painful enough I didn't even want to imagine what the force of vomiting would feel like.  We set off toward home and in an effort to be positive I  was thankful that at least I had a bucket this time. 
I thought it was going smoothly and then it started, the heaving, no hurling, just heaving.  It was so painful that I think I just refused to let it happen.  I cannot puke.

I did make it home and it felt like I was asleep for days.  I don't remember much of that first day or so at home.  I do know that my little sister Jen and my niece Bethany were here and did a great job loving my kids and getting them to their activities.  They also filled my freezer with lots of meals.  Bethany took on the ultimate challenge of trying to keep the dining room table cleaned off.   I'm pretty sure I heard her say it cannot be done.  

Sleepy Dwarf

Being home has it's share of challenges.  A lot of them are mental.  My typical day starts at 5am and from there I go until I stop usually after the kids are in bed.  I love my life and our routine, and in my mind I am more than ready to get back at it.  There seems to be a disconnect between my brain and my body however.   The simplest tasks seem to take so much energy.  One morning I broke out into a sweat just loading the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher.  One week post-op I did the unthinkable.  After waking up on the couch and seeing the layer of dog hair on my floor and  on my son, I decided to vacuum.   BIG mistake! HUGE!  Who knew vacuuming could be such an intense workout?!?!  I cannot work.

I have spent the past two weeks struggling to do tasks that are pretty ordinary.  I have felt weak and frustrated one moment and then incredibly grateful the next.  Grateful that despite a list of a few canNOTs, there is an endless list of CANs. 

I do not even know where to begin the list of things that I CAN do.  I can open my eyes and see the beautiful world around me.  I can enjoy hugs from my kids and Jack and Morgan arguing over who gets to snuggle closer to my side.  I can rest peacefully knowing that my ever faithful husband is doing his best to keep the house in order.  I can shower and put on makeup and sport the appearance of having it all together.  I can sit and stew about what is hard, or I can realize that my hard is hardly hard at all.  Like Dr. Seuss said, "you're in pretty good shape for the shape that you're in."  I am blessed, I am thankful, and I CAN do most anything. 

A few days ago I came across a passage in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 that really spoke to me. 
     Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he(Jesus) said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
     Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. 
     That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. 
     For when I am weak, then I AM STRONG. 

Over the past two weeks I have come to realize that all of us struggle.  Those struggles come in all different colors, shapes and sizes.  The solutions may be quick and easy or painful and drawn out.  Regardless of the details unique to each of us, we all face hard in our lives.  One of the books I have read over the past two weeks, was The Hardest Peace by Kara Tippetts.  I cannot imagine anyone's hard being harder than hers, and yet she ministers to each reader, seeking to ease their burden in the truth's of God's indescribable love.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I CAN take the next thing that comes along.'"          ~Eleanor Roosevelt

I challenge you in your hard places to find the CANs among the cannots, and know that you are not alone. 

 

 

This Wednesday I will return to Iowa City.  Once again I will sit in the waiting room of the cancer clinic.  Once again I have an appointment with and oncologist.  Once again I am sure those words, sights, and sounds will cause fear and anxiety to creep in.  But I intend to go in with Deuteronomy 31:6 in mind.   No matter what the results are, I am prepared to move forward with the assurance that God is with us, and HE CAN do the impossible. 

Be strong and courageous. 

Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,

   for the Lord our God goes WITH you;

He will never leave you nor forsake you. 

                   ~Deuteronomy 31:6