Twas the night before Endo...

The past 16 days have been the longest of my entire life. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride. One moment I'm cruising along smoothly feeling confident and at ease, but in the blink of an eye I'm spinning around, upside down, anticipating the return of my most recent meal. All in all the time has been pretty uneventful, it is what happens on the inside during this waiting game that I am describing. I am very much a do it myself kind of person,and this business about stopping and being helped is quite foreign to me. Actually a few months ago I was talking to my friend and pastor and I told him, "Jason, I help people, I don't get help." Wow did that one come back to bite me. HARD! Living where we do not have any family close by, has forced me to always be self sufficient. I take my kids with me everywhere, and we do just fine. I have been overwhelmed by the flood of help from our friends and church family. So much so that I am fearful that I might forget how to cook. I am so grateful for everyone's support. It has allowed me to stop and just be. I have actually napped and just spent time holding my kids, things I would love to do more but are often neglected in the busy-ness of life. There are days when I have rebelled against the pain, against the tumor, and attempted to conquer the world. It's a great attitude to have but I found that it too bites hard. It really wasn't necessary for me to get down on my hands and knees and scrub all the floors in my house, but I did it and I paid for it afterward. I have this constant battle going on between my brain and my body. It is impossible to win, yet I continue to fight. I'm not quite sure what it is that I'm trying to prove, but it feels good to fight or at least to feel like fighting. One of the best things that has happened is that I have had a reprieve from the pain for 5 days. Yes I counted. Pain is an mysterious beast. It is incredible how it can completely change a person. No matter how much I would try to smile my way through it, I still felt defeated and so exhausted. It is a theif. It steals not only your stamina, but your joy, and your confidence. It leaves you weak and angry. One thing I learned through all of this is compassion for people that suffer with chronic pain. I can only imagine how difficult that walk must be, and I am thankful that my journey with it has been short. Throughout all of this time I have continued to have more tests and talk to more doctors. and yet we still are unsure of what we are dealing with. None of the doctors seem to agree with each other. Test results have not provided any clarity, yet I am scheduled for a surgery a week from tomorrow. What surgery? THAT is the million dollar question! It is my hope that the answer is uncovered tomorrow. Tomorrow I am scheduled to have an EGD/EUS(for those of you with Jeopardy aspirations that stands for Esophagogastroduodenoscopy with Endoscopic Ultrasound). So I end today with this angst over whether or not we will figure out the answer to this riddle or not. I'm shaking from nerves and feel like I want to puke. Test anxiety for sure. I know I listed a lot of the storms that are going on in my head and my heart but what I haven't told you is that with every bump in the road, there has been a constant presence there to hold me up. Some may roll their eyes, some may say I'm grasping for some kind of fantasy, some may think I'm crazy, but I know the truth and that truth is that God has shown me He is here with me so many times since this all began. God didn't need to prove to me that He does indeed exist, but He has revealed Himself over and over and over again, and I am in absolute wonder and awe. I can't describe the peace I have had, or the calmness, and lack of fear that has come so naturally. No matter what is revealed, I know that my God is in control. He is bigger than anyone or anything in existence. He is steering the ship through this storm. He is who I count on, hope in and trust. The most frustrating part of this roller coaster ride are the twists and turns that try to steal what I know to be true and replace the truth with doubt and lies. I will not succumb to those lies. The Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7 that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. That is my truth and to it I will cling. Psalm 112:7-8 He will have no fear of bad news his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear.