This year on Thanksgiving eve, I was still feeling pretty rough, but I was determined to have some semblance of normalcy, so Morgan and I ventured out to Target for a few things. While we were there, I decided to visit the Christmas department, and came across and ornament that perfectly summed it up for me. It was a simple green ball on which was written one word, BELIEVE.
This is the time of year when we hear a lot about that word, believe. Do you believe in Santa? Do you believe in Jesus? Do you believe in.... What do we believe? Who do we believe? Why do we believe? For me this one word, in this particular season was very poignant.
My seemingly ordinary life has been interrupted by a tumor that despite our best efforts, wants to remain a bit of an enigma. Initially the tumor was not a tumor but probably just a hematoma, and then it was probably two different types of cancerous growths, and then it was a pancreatic mass, and then it was not, and then... the list goes on. What do I believe? What should I believe?
All throughout this journey, I have openly shared the terminology, advice, and differential diagnoses that my doctors have used. I do not know, and they do not know what exactly we are dealing with, but what I do know is that words have power. I have at times allowed these words to control my thoughts and take me for a ride on the emotional roller coaster. However,I have learned that the power of a word comes only from what we believe about it. So, I have chosen to use the words cancer, neoplasm, tumor, etc. as if they are ordinary, lackluster, generic terms. I don't like the words but I refuse to be afraid of them, after all, a word is only a sequential grouping of letters. God does not give us a spirit of fear. Fear is not from Him, and I refuse to give it power in my life.
So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10
The word that I do choose to believe has more power than any other, is the word of God. The word that tells me in Isaiah 54:17 No weapon formed against me will prosper, or in Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength an ever present help in trouble, or as it says in Job 37:5 that God's voice is glorious in the thunder we cannot even imagine the greatness of his power. I cling to the power in His word. I will not be defeated by words thrown at me by the world.
I was somewhere a couple of weeks ago and someone shouted at me, "You have cancer! How can you look so good?!? How can you wear those heels?!?!" I didn't know if that was supposed to be a compliment or a sentence, but it left me feeling guilty. I know she meant no ill will with her words, but I found myself thinking about them for several days. Should I look a certain way, act differently, behave like I'm dying(aren't we all?), should I be depressed? I am not a diagnosis. I have a tumor.
I have seen people suffering with all kinds of different diagnoses from cancer to croup to diabetes. I have always believed that what the patient believes plays a significant role in the progression of illness. I am not saying that people with a positive attitude do not suffer, for we all know that is not true. What IS different, however, is that they are not defeated or defined by words, or the expectations of others. I am on a journey, and I have peace in my backpack. There are rocks, mountains, ditches, and beaches, sun, wind, and torrential downpours. This is MY story, and everything along the way will be unique to me. If you know me, you know that I hardly fit into what is predictable, normal, or expected.
So, if it comes back that it is a cancer, do I automatically become that? When they tell me that it will be at least 6 to 8 weeks before I am worth anything after surgery, do I clear my calendar and take up residence on the couch?
I grew up thinking I'm not good enough to be friends with the cool people. I wasn't a talented enough for the solo. I wasn't Christian enough for others' expectations. I wasn't strong enough to be an athlete. You name it. I believed that I wasn't good enough for anything you can imagine to fill in the blank. These beliefs controlled me for years, and even now I'll hear those lies from time to time.
Words can build us up, and they can cripple us. What will you believe? The lies or the LOVE
I may sound like Stuart Smalley from SNL, but I now choose to believe that I AM loved. I AM good enough. I AM strong enough. I AM worth it, and so are you.
I choose to get up every morning, thank God for the day before me, and go. I make good choices and bad ones too. I learn lessons. I fall down and fail. I shake it off and move along. I may not look or act like you might expect, but this is the path I am on, the road is hard to see, but I know exactly where it ends, and that is exactly where my belief comes from.
If I am not going to believe what God has said then what is the point of saying that I believe in Him?
I believe that we all have a purpose. I believe that it isn't always clear, and that it often times seems impossible. I believe, however, that if we make our God bigger than our problems, we will begin to see more clearly what He has in store for us. So that is how I chose to continue. I am strong, I am healthy, and I have a tumor. God is taking care of that tumor. He has a plan. It is a beautifully orchestrated plan and He is in control. If I believe in Him then I have nothing to fear.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11
Thank you all for allowing me to be me, and loving me anyway. I have witnessed the love of Christ in the outpouring of love and support from friends, family, and strangers, and I cannot begin to express what it has meant to me and my family. My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday January 13th, and I believe it will be a great birthday gift.
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