Do you Believe?

Every year each of us gets a new ornament. Sometimes I purchase ones that reflect what my kids are infatuated with at the time; sometimes I let them pick one out. The range of what we end up with is sometimes predictable but typically strange. This year Ryan who enjoys listening to "the man in black," ended up with an ornament of a jukebox that plays Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash, Morgan picked an owl, Patrick picked bacon and eggs, and Jack a dump truck. Needless to say our tree is not a perfectly decorated department store worthy tree and if it had a theme, it would be, All Things Random.

This year on Thanksgiving eve, I was still feeling pretty rough, but I was determined to have some semblance of normalcy, so Morgan and I ventured out to Target for a few things. While we were there, I decided to visit the Christmas department, and came across and ornament that perfectly summed it up for me. It was a simple green ball on which was written one word, BELIEVE.

This is the time of year when we hear a lot about that word, believe. Do you believe in Santa? Do you believe in Jesus? Do you believe in.... What do we believe? Who do we believe? Why do we believe? For me this one word, in this particular season was very poignant.

 My seemingly ordinary life has been interrupted by a tumor that despite our best efforts, wants to remain a bit of an enigma. Initially the tumor was not a tumor but probably just a hematoma, and then it was probably two different types of cancerous growths, and then it was a pancreatic mass, and then it was not, and then... the list goes on. What do I believe? What should I believe?

All throughout this journey, I have openly shared the terminology, advice, and differential diagnoses that my doctors have used. I do not know, and they do not know what exactly we are dealing with, but what I do know is that words have power. I have at times allowed these words to control my thoughts and take me for a ride on the emotional roller coaster. However,I have learned that the power of a word comes only from what we believe about it. So, I have chosen to use the words cancer, neoplasm, tumor, etc. as if they are ordinary, lackluster, generic terms. I don't like the words but I refuse to be afraid of them, after all, a word is only a sequential grouping of letters. God does not give us a spirit of fear. Fear is not from Him, and I refuse to give it power in my life.

So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10

The word that I do choose to believe has more power than any other, is the word of God. The word that tells me in Isaiah 54:17 No weapon formed against me will prosper, or in Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength an ever present help in trouble, or as it says in Job 37:5 that God's voice is glorious in the thunder we cannot even imagine the greatness of his power. I cling to the power in His word. I will not be defeated by words thrown at me by the world.

I was somewhere a couple of weeks ago and someone shouted at me, "You have cancer! How can you look so good?!?  How can you wear those heels?!?!" I didn't know if that was supposed to be a compliment or a sentence, but it left me feeling guilty.  I know she meant no ill will with her words, but I found myself thinking about them for several days.  Should I look a certain way, act differently, behave like I'm dying(aren't we all?), should I be depressed?  I am not a diagnosis.  I have a tumor.

I have seen people suffering with all kinds of different diagnoses from cancer to croup to diabetes. I have always believed that what the patient believes plays a significant role in the progression of illness. I am not saying that people with a positive attitude do not suffer, for we all know that is not true. What IS different, however, is that they are not defeated or defined by words, or the expectations of others. I am on a journey, and I have peace in my backpack. There are rocks, mountains, ditches, and beaches, sun, wind, and torrential downpours. This is MY story, and everything along the way will be unique to me. If you know me, you know that I hardly fit into what is predictable, normal, or expected.
So, if it comes back that it is a cancer, do I automatically become that? When they tell me that it will be at least 6 to 8 weeks before I am worth anything after surgery, do I clear my calendar and take up residence on the couch?
I grew up thinking I'm not good enough to be friends with the cool people. I wasn't a talented enough for the solo. I wasn't Christian enough for others' expectations. I wasn't strong enough to be an athlete. You name it. I believed that I wasn't good enough for anything you can imagine to fill in the blank. These beliefs controlled me for years, and even now I'll hear those lies from time to time.

Words can build us up, and they can cripple us. What will you believe? The lies or the LOVE

 I may sound like Stuart Smalley from SNL, but I now choose to believe that I AM loved. I AM good enough. I AM strong enough. I AM worth it, and so are you.
I choose to get up every morning, thank God for the day before me, and go. I make good choices and bad ones too. I learn lessons. I fall down and fail. I shake it off and move along. I may not look or act like you might expect, but this is the path I am on, the road is hard to see, but I know exactly where it ends, and that is exactly where my belief comes from.

If I am not going to believe what God has said then what is the point of saying that I believe in Him?

I believe that we all have a purpose. I believe that it isn't always clear, and that it often times seems impossible. I believe, however, that if we make our God bigger than our problems, we will begin to see more clearly what He has in store for us. So that is how I chose to continue. I am strong, I am healthy, and I have a tumor. God is taking care of that tumor. He has a plan. It is a beautifully orchestrated plan and He is in control. If I believe in Him then I have nothing to fear.

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

Thank you all for allowing me to be me, and loving me anyway.  I have witnessed the love of Christ in the outpouring of love and support from friends, family, and strangers, and I cannot begin to express what it has meant to me and my family.    My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday January 13th, and I believe it will be a great birthday gift.

Life is a cornucopia

The word cornucopia is a symbol of plenty, and is defined as an abundant supply of good things.  For a week or so that word has been on my mind.   After all, if I stop and think about life right now, yesterday and even tomorrow, I can honestly say it is abundant with good things.  

I haven't posted in a week or so, but I have been busy touring various medical facilities in the area.    I joke that my friend Sandi  and I are on tour and should have shirts made.   She is my trusty designated driver and is quite astute at pulling over in an instant for her occasionally incapacitated passenger.  I hope she doesn't get a complex about her driving, but I do seem to puke every time we go somewhere.

My first endoscopy was two weeks ago.  This procedure went beautifully, well everything except for results.  The staff at Trinity was fabulous!  The afternoon was filled with so much laughing, visits by old friends and colleagues, and of course propofol. It is definitely the way to be sedated.  When I woke up I was awake.  Like really in my normal state of mind.  I picked up my pictures and immediately got back to work asking questions and forming my own differentials and plans.   

So what was the bad part?   I wouldn't call it bad exactly, it is just that the procedure did not get us any further in solving this puzzle. A GIST was ruled out, but now the mass appeared to be on my pancreas.   Okay...What do you do with that? I will tell you where my brain went.   Crazy!  Pick any other organ in the body to tell me I have a tumor but whatever you do don't say pancreas.  That is a scary organ and a scary word.  It is something  that I have feared since I was a teenager.  

The P word earned me a trip to The University of Iowa. 

The big black tennis ball looking circle over my left kidney is the tumor. 

Before I go on I must share some God moments with you.   First off the people that were there to take care of me, from the intake nurse with the funny name, to my friend Angie assisting in the procedure, to my friend and doctor, Dr Cheema, everyone was so kind, and treated me as Dr. Cheema put it as, "a VIP."   When I pointed out my lack of "VIP" status in Iowa City he picked up his phone and got me an appointment the  very next day.   This pancreas fear/paranoia that I have had for years stems from other people's stories and tragedies.  Satan was using that fear as a foothold to make me doubt and fear and lose that peace that God had graced me with.   All I needed was time alone with Him to find my way back into His presence and His promises.  

Psalm 56:3  When I am afraid I will trust in you

Psalm 112:7-8. He will have no fear of bad news his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.  His heart is secure, he will have no fear.  

2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, of love, and of sound mind. 

The next day Heath and I were Iowa City bound.   We were meeting with a doctor that agreed to see us on a Friday night after he was done with all of his other patients.  Now, every doctor does things a little different, and you never know what to expect. If I had to sum up Dr. Johlin in one word, it would be thorough. After the most thorough history and exam and then further consultation with radiologists we did not leave there until just before 7 o'clock.  The hallways were dark and there was only one cheerful staff member waiting for us to check out.  We left with good news, Dr. Johlin did not  believe this was a pancreatic tumor and he had a list of 3 or 4 other possibilities.  All of those were what he called low grade neoplasms.  Praise God!  Next stop, biopsy.  

Psalm 66:5 Come and see what our God has done what awesome miracles he performs for his people.  

Psalm 31:24 Be strong and take heart all you who hope in the Lord. 

Monday was biopsy day.  My kiddos were being taken care of by two amazing friends, and Sandi and I were off for the next stop on our hospital tour.   Again the experience was incredible!  I am in awe of the number of kind, gentle people I have encountered on this journey.  

I have to pause and tell a funny story.   Here I am so grateful that The University of Iowa has honored my VIP card and allowed me to use my Disney fast pass to skip to the front of the line, and I appear to blaspheme the Hawkeyes right there in the waiting room.   I brought a blanket that I am making for Patrick, thinking I will have lots of wait time to work on it.   The blanket is red and yellow!  I am sitting in the waiting room deep in Hawkeye territory and I pull out a blanket that would make any Iowa State Cyclone fan proud.  There was a gasp from the lady sitting across from us, but thankfully it was just appreciation of the blanket and not shock.   I did however feel the need to state loud enough to be overheard that I am a Hawkeye fan and the blanket is a Harry Potter thing not a Cyclone thing.  Good grief what was I thinking!

Back to the procedure room I went, completely prepared and calm.  I had just done this same procedure a few days ago.   The calm dissipated a bit when I arrived in the procedure room and realized there would be no nice anesthesia man with propofol this time.   Instead I had been set up on a blind date with Versed and Demerol, two unsavory ruffians.  They walked in and my memory,walked out.  It didn't come back until Wednesday.  I have only tiny glimpses of Monday afternoon and Tuesday.  I am thankful for all who helped me during that time. If only I could remember...

So here I am a week later.  The biopsies really didn't tell us anything diagnostic, but they also didn't tell us anything dreadful. I am thankful.   I have an appointment Wednesday with the chief of surgical oncology at the university, and from there I anticipate we will finally have a plan to bid farewell to the tumor. 

I think about the last month and it has been a wild ride, ups and downs, an emotional roller coaster.  From another vantage point though I think WHAT A WILD RIDE!!!  To see God's hand at play in your life, to know that His breath is breaking down barriers, to sit at His feet in the morning and hear Him tell you that you are His and that He loves you, that is the wildest, most awe inspiring, amazing ride I could ever hope to be on.   What is so cool is that it's not just for me.   Everyone has the Disney fast pass for this ride.  All you need to do is get in line.  There is no waiting.  

James 4:8 Come near to God and He will come near to you 

Acts 20:24 However I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me.  The task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. 

Life is a cornucopia.  Full of abundant good things.  

Here's a few of the GOOD things I have been blessed with. 

Chocolate covered cherries from Sandi 

A date at the ballet with Morgan from Leigh and Kate 

AND Kristi knows one can never have too many friends.  Could life get any better?!?? 

 And lastly I am humbled by the outpouring of love and support of friends, family, and maybe even strangers that are reaching out to help us.  It is very hard for me to be needy or to accept help.  I am working on this.   My friend and pastor Jason said this weekend in his sermon that the cure for pride is gratitude.  I thank you and I give thanks to God for you.   

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/treharne-family-fundraiser/278322

Traditions

I started dating Heath in the spring of 1995.  That year I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for him, Papaw, and his sister Heather.   It was the first big deal meal I had ever prepared.   I loved it! I thoroughly enjoy making a great feast for the people I love.   I have cooked Thanksgiving dinner every year since.  Each year we see new faces around our table.    We like to open up our home to those who like us might not have family living close by, or college kids that can't go home, elderly widowers, lonely neighbors.  I come from a big crazy family and holidays are my favorite part of being a part of that family.   So I open our home never knowing how many people will be around the table.   I could be noble and say it's all about helping others, but honestly it provides me with the big family holiday surrounded by people to love and be loved by.  

So you can imagine, it was very hard for me to cancel our Thanksgiving dinner this year when all this tumor business came to light. It's funny how things work. The whole "you reap what you sow" business is the real deal.  Our friends, the Cushings, cancelled their travel plans and would be home for the holiday.  My friend Leigh, like myself truly loves the family traditions, and like me was going to be missing them this year.   God makes the most beautiful music! I love how He brought our two families together to provide each of us with what we were missing.   It was a wonderful day we got to spend in a warm and welcoming home with great friends.  It was perfect! 

Leigh for you I give thanks.   One of my favorite verses is from Philippians chapter 1 verse 3.  I than my God every time I remember you.  Thank you friend. 

Our dinner plans may have taken a detour but we were still able to take our annual Thanksgiving trek to the Christmas tree farm and get our tree.  The kids love this adventure for many reasons.   One,they love having the Christmas tree up.  Ryan especially enjoys the tree, and is usually mad at me for a few days every year when I take it down.  Secondly, Heath lets each of the kids sit on his lap and drive around the farm.  Last year it was a bit ridiculous looking when Patrick took his turn as he is about the same size as I am.  This year was a huge deal for Patrick and Ryan because they would get to drive, actually drive, not just steer from their dad's lap.   I should state that this was not only a big deal to the boys but to Heath as well. I'm sure he had mixed emotions of excitement for the boys and fear for the safety of his truck.

Power tool in hand, Heath is in his happy place.  

  All in all they did a great job.   Our tree picking on the other hand was not so great. In an effort to maintain circulation in my feet and hands I chose the first decent tree I came across.   I love our tree now, but let's just say that it needed several adjustments to get there.  

At the end of the day we smile and are thankful for all that surrounds us.   

This is the day that the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it. ~Psalm 118:24

Twas the night before Endo...

The past 16 days have been the longest of my entire life. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride. One moment I'm cruising along smoothly feeling confident and at ease, but in the blink of an eye I'm spinning around, upside down, anticipating the return of my most recent meal. All in all the time has been pretty uneventful, it is what happens on the inside during this waiting game that I am describing. I am very much a do it myself kind of person,and this business about stopping and being helped is quite foreign to me. Actually a few months ago I was talking to my friend and pastor and I told him, "Jason, I help people, I don't get help." Wow did that one come back to bite me. HARD! Living where we do not have any family close by, has forced me to always be self sufficient. I take my kids with me everywhere, and we do just fine. I have been overwhelmed by the flood of help from our friends and church family. So much so that I am fearful that I might forget how to cook. I am so grateful for everyone's support. It has allowed me to stop and just be. I have actually napped and just spent time holding my kids, things I would love to do more but are often neglected in the busy-ness of life. There are days when I have rebelled against the pain, against the tumor, and attempted to conquer the world. It's a great attitude to have but I found that it too bites hard. It really wasn't necessary for me to get down on my hands and knees and scrub all the floors in my house, but I did it and I paid for it afterward. I have this constant battle going on between my brain and my body. It is impossible to win, yet I continue to fight. I'm not quite sure what it is that I'm trying to prove, but it feels good to fight or at least to feel like fighting. One of the best things that has happened is that I have had a reprieve from the pain for 5 days. Yes I counted. Pain is an mysterious beast. It is incredible how it can completely change a person. No matter how much I would try to smile my way through it, I still felt defeated and so exhausted. It is a theif. It steals not only your stamina, but your joy, and your confidence. It leaves you weak and angry. One thing I learned through all of this is compassion for people that suffer with chronic pain. I can only imagine how difficult that walk must be, and I am thankful that my journey with it has been short. Throughout all of this time I have continued to have more tests and talk to more doctors. and yet we still are unsure of what we are dealing with. None of the doctors seem to agree with each other. Test results have not provided any clarity, yet I am scheduled for a surgery a week from tomorrow. What surgery? THAT is the million dollar question! It is my hope that the answer is uncovered tomorrow. Tomorrow I am scheduled to have an EGD/EUS(for those of you with Jeopardy aspirations that stands for Esophagogastroduodenoscopy with Endoscopic Ultrasound). So I end today with this angst over whether or not we will figure out the answer to this riddle or not. I'm shaking from nerves and feel like I want to puke. Test anxiety for sure. I know I listed a lot of the storms that are going on in my head and my heart but what I haven't told you is that with every bump in the road, there has been a constant presence there to hold me up. Some may roll their eyes, some may say I'm grasping for some kind of fantasy, some may think I'm crazy, but I know the truth and that truth is that God has shown me He is here with me so many times since this all began. God didn't need to prove to me that He does indeed exist, but He has revealed Himself over and over and over again, and I am in absolute wonder and awe. I can't describe the peace I have had, or the calmness, and lack of fear that has come so naturally. No matter what is revealed, I know that my God is in control. He is bigger than anyone or anything in existence. He is steering the ship through this storm. He is who I count on, hope in and trust. The most frustrating part of this roller coaster ride are the twists and turns that try to steal what I know to be true and replace the truth with doubt and lies. I will not succumb to those lies. The Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7 that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. That is my truth and to it I will cling. Psalm 112:7-8 He will have no fear of bad news his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear.