Claustrophobia Desensitization Program

Day 3 started wonderfully! I had a new attitude.   I don't care who says what I am no different than I was Sunday before this all started.  I'm going to get up, get dressed, shave my legs, put on makeup, and live life to the full. 

Wednesday this was totally easy. Apparently 10 hours of sleep allowed all the pain meds time to do their thing because the amount of pain I had was very tolerable.   

I had an MRI squeduled for 9:30 and a bottle of Gatorade primed and ready to chug for 11.  I was a bit thirsty.  I hadn't had a meal since Monday morning or anything to drink for over 12 hours.  Surprisingly though this mandated fasting was way easier than days when I want to fast for prayer or other reasons. I was thankful.

Anyway the tech asked me before the MRI if I had any problems with claustrophobia. I answered, "well I don't particularly want to crawl into a cave for fun but I'm sure I'll be fine for this."  That was funny! What person with claustrophobia can pick and choose which small space is acceptable,  aren't all small spaces small and therefore freak out worthy?!?  

When I was strapped in and wheeled into the MRI tunnel, in my mind it was what I imagined it would be like in the close confines of a space shuttle. The mind, mine especially, takes me to some strange places sometimes. My arms were very snug against my sides, I had straps and machinery fastened across my abdomen, I had on a big, bulky pair of headphones that we're at the moment quiet, and the worst part was that the ceiling was like 6-8 inches from my face.  Did the dude not hear what I said about crawling into a cave?  I had a squeeze bulb that I could use to alert them that I was freaking out and needed to take a break.  My thoughts on the squeeze bulb, however, were this; if I keep squeezing it and taking breaks this could take all day.  All day in the cave or 30 minutes? Flipped a coin it ricocheted off the ceiling and poked me in the eye.  Just kidding!  I chose to close my eyes and breathe.  I prayed.  I asked God for help.  Help holding my breath when they asked, help holding still, help. My help came from the Lord.  He was there. In the tunnel right beside me, He was there, and it was good.

I lift my eyes up to the hills 

    Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, 

     The maker of Heaven and Earth.

He will not let your foot slip

     He who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed He who watches over Israel 

     Will neither slumber nor sleep. 

THE LORD WATCHES OVER YOU 

     The Lord is your shade ar your right hand:

The sun will not harm you by day, 

     Nor the moon by night. 

The Lord will keep you from all harm

     He will watch over your life; 

The Lord will watch over your coming and going 

Both now and forevermore. ~Psalm 121

When I am afraid I will trust in you.  ~Psalm 56:3

C is not for Cookie

Day 2 

I left the ER early Tuesday morning diiscouraged that I was still in the same amount of pain despite multiple doses of Dilaudid and still without any answers.   The discouraged feeling wasn't helped any at the site of my regurgitated pain pills on the side of the road on the way home.  

The morning was ok.  I got some sleep and was blessed by the company of one of my favorite people. You know I'm very much a do it myself, I don't need any help, independent kind of girl, but I found myself so thankful for the presence of my friends.   They felt pretty helpless I am sure but they were comfort to me.  They were something normal and unchanged.

Thanks to some great people that I used to work with I had an appointment that day with a surgeon. Heath and I went together with Pain.  As much as I wanted to I  couldn't seem to leave Pain behind. 

So we sat and waited.  Totally clueless as to what he would say.  After all what could you do for a hematoma? Long story short there is no hematoma.   There is a tumor.  AND that tumor is a cancer.  Ok....could be one of two kinds. Could be an adrenal tumor called a pheochromocytoma or it could be a stomach tumor called a GIST.  What do you do with that information? 

Well I will tell you what I did.  I smiled and said thank you, got some lab orders and prescriptions and tried not to show any fear at all.  Yep I am strong. I don't need any help.  I can do everything myself.  

Yeah whatever!! 

So I mostly held in the tears all the way home and once I got home I couldn't get to my bed fast enough.   I wanted to be alone.  I wanted to research and think and I totally wanted to sleep.  You might wonder what was going through my mind.  Well the biggest boldest neon sign was the words ADRENAL GLAND TUMOR. You see, my dad who passed away after two terrible years of fighting lung cancer was in the end defeated by a metastatic tumor of unknown origin(aka result of either chemo or radiation) on none other than the ADRENAL GLAND.  Oh and another thing my dad first went to the hospital because he coughed and suddenly had unrelenting pain.   Then there was also the fact that my dad was first diagnosed about a week before thanksgiving.  So many weird similarities. So many images and memories just flooded my mind.   

So that was what crazy Cindy was doing.   Eventually sane Cindy resurfaced and muddled through all that muck to what I know is the truth.   

Truth:  regardless of which tumor it is, the treatment is surgery. No chemo! No radiation! Just surgery.  PRAISE GOD!

Truth: my dad and I share many similarities and though our destinies are the same, our journeys are different.  

Truth: Romans 8:31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If GOD is for us, then who can be against us?  GOD IS FOR ME! 

So I ended the day reflecting on the news. Still hating that C word but mostly I was just thankful.  My phone was flooded with text message and emails, my kitchen was scheduled to be welcoming meals day after day, I had people offering help in countless ways, and I even had an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner.  God is so good! I am unsure what lessons I will learn on this walk but I look forward to holding His hand while He leads me through whatever lies ahead.  

Starting NEW on Monday

For the past month this girl who NEVER gets sick has been plagued by one thing after another.   It started with a cold, then bronchitis, then laryngitis and lastly a UTI.  That was it I was done!  I hadn't exercised in a month and Monday was going to be the day.   After all everything starts on Monday right? 

Monday morning arrived and I jump out of bed change into workout clothes and made my way downstairs.  Everything was going great the video was not too lame I was working up a sweat and BAM! I can't remember if it was a plank or a superman that I was doing but all of a sudden I was in pain, I was shaky and a little woozy.  Instant thought was "You dummy! Why didn't you eat or drink something before working out?" I figured my blood sugar was low; I shook it off and finished the workout trying to ignore the pain.  

Moving forward the pain progressed throughout the day.  Food, ibuprofen, heat nothing seemed to make a difference. At one point in the day I was attempting to teach my kids while in a fetal position on the living room floor.  This was getting ridiculous! I didn't have time for an interruption.  I had plans.  I had much to accomplish.  

Well to make a long story longer I ended up spending the night in the ER.  My differential diagnosis was pancreatitis, ileus, bowel obstruction.  The doctor's differential was pretty similar but he was very convinced this was a musculoskeletal injury.  Well after lots and lots of Dilaudid, labs du jour, X-rays, a CT, and delerious but great conversations with my dear friend Sandi, the verdict is I have a hematoma behind my stomach, or do I....