Moving forward, choosing to see HIM

I'll start by apologizing for not posting this sooner.  Last week was a whirlwind of too much activity.   I have been trying resolutely but unsuccessefully to pick myself up ever since.  I thought I would be rejuvinated by the weekend but instead our hearts, and minds, and prayers are focused on our friends who I should really call family, as they face a mountain of unanswered questions and a test of faith. 
I realized this weekend that it is easier to be strong for myself but I feel weak and uncertain when faced with seeing others hurting.  I realize how helpless my friends and family must have felt these past several months.  I know this weekend I wanted to do anything and everything to help to ease the pain and burden and uncertainty that is engulfing my dear friends. 
I thank you all for bearing the weight of helplessness for me through my journey.   I truly had no idea. 

Our small group(a few are missing from the picture) has become our family.
 We are so blessed to call them our friends. 

So, as I pray for my friends I have had to remind myself that the same truths that held me up are true for everyone.   Our trials and the roads that we travel may be different but our God is Jehovah-Jireh, the Lord who provides. 

Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance.
Perserverance must finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete,
and not lacking anything. 
If any of you lack wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 
But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt,
because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the ind.
That man should not think he will recieve anything from the Lord;
 he is a double minded man, unstable in all he does.                                         ~James1:2-8

Blessed is the man who perserves under trial, because when he has stood the test,
he will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
                                                                                                              ~James 1:12

Last Wednesday Heath and I travelled to Iowa City to meet with Dr. Howe(surgeon/oncologist) to review the pathology and next steps following the surgery.  There was very little anxiety going into this trip, because the afternoon before, my friend and colleague was kind enough to send me a spoiler alert.   Dr. Cheema sent me a note saying "accessory spleen."  Diagnosis: weird girl confirmed. 



Before you shout, "I knew it!" (you know in agreement with the weird girl status), let me tell you the rest of the story.   The most important and exciting words on the path report were, negative for neoplasia or malignancy.  Praise God!  
Dr. Howe, however, was not quite so convinced with the rest of the report.  Specifically the mention of a possible accessory spleen.   He listed all the reasons he didn't believe this was the case.  They all made sense, but most convincing was the fact that there wasn't any evidence in the report to support it.  The rest of the pathology identified necrotic(aka dead) and inflammatory cells.  There was NO identifiable organ tissue to determine the origin of the tumor.  He described the surgery as a little bit on the stomach, a little bit on the pancreas, a little bit on the spleen, a little bit on the adrenal.  It was a puzzle. 

The ambiguity of the tumor, though not malignant,  produces a certain level of discomfort in my kind doctor.   What does that mean?  It means that he is unwilling to say goodbye to me just yet.  It means that for at least the next year, I will have labs and scans and office visits with him to in fact prove or disprove my weirdness.  Someone hand me the easy button please. 

Needless to say, you can imagine the relief and flood of endorphins that comes with such news.  Heath and I celebrated with 'Cindy illegal' food from scratch cupcakery, an americano, and a few moments to just sit and be.  To be people that no longer had this rock to lug around, to be boring again, to not have to think.  I felt lighter, giddy, smiling was easy, and yet at the same time I felt like bursting into tears every few minutes.  I was and still am overwhelmed.  God is good! 

Days like these call for CAKE!

On the way home, I continued to ponder all of the events of the past few months.  I am just in awe of how time after time, after time, God made His hand so obviously known.  Who has a tumor that comes back, DEAD?!?!  I turned to Heath and said, you know just because they can't or won't put God killed it on the path report, doesn't mean it didn't happen.  

So there you have it.  Confessions of a weird girl....

Our present sufferings cannot even be compared
with the coming glory that will be revealed in us.      ~Romans 8:18

Life is GOOD indeed!
Thank you for being the good in my life!

Seeing the CANs among the cannots

Let's get this party started!

Tomorrow it will be two weeks since my surgery. In the time since, I have slept a lot, forgotten much, read two amazingly powerful books, and discovered A LOT of things that I currently cannot do.

We arrived in Iowa City before the sun rose and were greeted with kindness every step of the way.  Believe it or not I actually likened the pre-op experience to being at Disneyworld several times.  Happy faces around every corner as you are shuttled from one waiting area to another.  People dressed in "costume" with masks hiding their true identities, AND as the patient, I even got to ride everywhere.

Disneyworld!
 

Seriously though, I am so thankful for the compassion of my doctors, nurses, anesthesia team, medical assistants, everyone I met during my stay in the hospital was a blessing.   There is huge difference betweeen people who have jobs and people who have a passion for what they do everyday. 

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.  ~Philippians 1:3(KJV)

To make my great experience even better, after surgery I was transported to my room in the PapaJohn Pavillion.  Now, all of you who know me, even if it is just as an aquaintance, know my love for football.  So,  despite the groggy, post op medicine head, I did indeed ask if Peyton Manning would be making rounds. 

pizza anyone?

The worst part of post op as anyone can imagine is the pain.  I remember lying there confused as to why I had pain in the middle of my chest.  It took a day or so before I realized that I had an incision there. Apparently I checked out when they told me about the incision sites because I was completely surprised.   I ended up with four incisions 1-2 1/2 inches each.  If you connect them I would have a big J from just below my sternum over to my left hip.    They didn't look too awful but their presence made moving a challenge.   I cannot get up. 

Another first for me was a foley catheter.  Convenient contraption for my current state of not wanting to move for the pain.  I was however anticipating like Christmas, bidding the bag ba-bye.  I was excited to get up and tour my semi private bath.   Funny thing though, something that had been automatically occuring since birth with little to know thought suddenly became a puzzle.  Which muscles do you contract? Which ones relax? There are a lot of muscles, this could take some time, and it did.   I cannot pee.

I saw small improvements and I still see them with each passing day.  When Dr. Howe came to see me Wednesday evening, he mentioned how well I was doing and that I would probably get to go home on Thursday instead of Friday.  I smiled and then as soon as he left the room, filled with panic I cried.  I had to go to elaborate acrobatics to get myself out of the hospital bed, how in the world was I ever going to be able to function without my nurses, and my trusty  green dilaudid button.   I cannot go home.

Thursday morning came and I was embracing it with a can-do attitude.  I would go be going home and I'm gonna be fine, maybe.... Goodbye Iowa City, hello hour long car ride.  I am so thankful to my  friend Tami and little Owen for coming to take me home, but I was dreading the trip.  Afterall, every trip on this journey so far has included me hanging out of a car door puking on the side of the road.  The incentive spirometer I had to breath into was painful enough I didn't even want to imagine what the force of vomiting would feel like.  We set off toward home and in an effort to be positive I  was thankful that at least I had a bucket this time. 
I thought it was going smoothly and then it started, the heaving, no hurling, just heaving.  It was so painful that I think I just refused to let it happen.  I cannot puke.

I did make it home and it felt like I was asleep for days.  I don't remember much of that first day or so at home.  I do know that my little sister Jen and my niece Bethany were here and did a great job loving my kids and getting them to their activities.  They also filled my freezer with lots of meals.  Bethany took on the ultimate challenge of trying to keep the dining room table cleaned off.   I'm pretty sure I heard her say it cannot be done.  

Sleepy Dwarf

Being home has it's share of challenges.  A lot of them are mental.  My typical day starts at 5am and from there I go until I stop usually after the kids are in bed.  I love my life and our routine, and in my mind I am more than ready to get back at it.  There seems to be a disconnect between my brain and my body however.   The simplest tasks seem to take so much energy.  One morning I broke out into a sweat just loading the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher.  One week post-op I did the unthinkable.  After waking up on the couch and seeing the layer of dog hair on my floor and  on my son, I decided to vacuum.   BIG mistake! HUGE!  Who knew vacuuming could be such an intense workout?!?!  I cannot work.

I have spent the past two weeks struggling to do tasks that are pretty ordinary.  I have felt weak and frustrated one moment and then incredibly grateful the next.  Grateful that despite a list of a few canNOTs, there is an endless list of CANs. 

I do not even know where to begin the list of things that I CAN do.  I can open my eyes and see the beautiful world around me.  I can enjoy hugs from my kids and Jack and Morgan arguing over who gets to snuggle closer to my side.  I can rest peacefully knowing that my ever faithful husband is doing his best to keep the house in order.  I can shower and put on makeup and sport the appearance of having it all together.  I can sit and stew about what is hard, or I can realize that my hard is hardly hard at all.  Like Dr. Seuss said, "you're in pretty good shape for the shape that you're in."  I am blessed, I am thankful, and I CAN do most anything. 

A few days ago I came across a passage in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 that really spoke to me. 
     Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he(Jesus) said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
     Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. 
     That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. 
     For when I am weak, then I AM STRONG. 

Over the past two weeks I have come to realize that all of us struggle.  Those struggles come in all different colors, shapes and sizes.  The solutions may be quick and easy or painful and drawn out.  Regardless of the details unique to each of us, we all face hard in our lives.  One of the books I have read over the past two weeks, was The Hardest Peace by Kara Tippetts.  I cannot imagine anyone's hard being harder than hers, and yet she ministers to each reader, seeking to ease their burden in the truth's of God's indescribable love.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I CAN take the next thing that comes along.'"          ~Eleanor Roosevelt

I challenge you in your hard places to find the CANs among the cannots, and know that you are not alone. 

 

 

This Wednesday I will return to Iowa City.  Once again I will sit in the waiting room of the cancer clinic.  Once again I have an appointment with and oncologist.  Once again I am sure those words, sights, and sounds will cause fear and anxiety to creep in.  But I intend to go in with Deuteronomy 31:6 in mind.   No matter what the results are, I am prepared to move forward with the assurance that God is with us, and HE CAN do the impossible. 

Be strong and courageous. 

Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,

   for the Lord our God goes WITH you;

He will never leave you nor forsake you. 

                   ~Deuteronomy 31:6

 

 

 

This is the day that the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

Good surgery morning to everyone! I have no idea what this blog post is going to contain. I have tried to write it for the past week and every time I do, I encounter block after block even though I have all of this "stuff" I think I need to say. Anyway the big reason I don't blog very frequently is because I have this perfection complex and idea in my head that it has to be of a certain quality, or style, or in a specific timeline. Through this journey of the past two months, I have worked really hard on letting go of that need to have things only go a certain way. Life certainly doesn't abide by those rules...

So last night after just not being able to write, and actually being tired I went to bed a t 9:30. I was annoyed with myself for not posting something and so I prayed. I asked God to wake me up at 2 if I really was supposed to get something out there. So around 2:20 I was wide awake and here I am now.

Initially I was going to write about how I cut off my hair and donated it. When my dad died over 5 years ago, I came up with two things that I could do to feel like I made a difference in the life of a cancer patient. Those two things were, running a race, and growing my hair so another could have it. I ran the race, actually I've run a lot of races. How did that make a difference? Yes some of those races were to raise money for different types of cancer, but I hardly believe my $30 went very far. No, running the races was my way of taking what I had recieved as a truth(you just cannot run distance), and saying "bite me!" Okay maybe not those specific words, but to be able to get out there and do it, I proved to myself that YES, I CAN!  I want every person that is dealt the impossible to boldy proclaim IT IS POSSIBLE! 

I can do all things through Christ who gives me stregnth. Philippians 4:13

So next comes the hair. I have never been one to have long hair, and once I decided to grow it I actually had it cut a few times only to start all over again. It wasn't quick, but I eventually had enough to donate. The problem however was that I was now very much attached to it. I liked my long hair. It was easy. It was pretty and made me feel that way. I didn't really need to give it away, and so I didn't. It has been long enough for more than 6 months, and I decided I'm gonna keep it. THEN...all of my tumor drama started. I have recieved so much in so many different ways. People I know and don't know are making sacrifices for me. I suddenly became very convicted to donate the hair. I wanted to, I needed to give back. My only other dilemma was when do I do it. Before or after surgery? I figured I didn't know when I would be able to drive myself or have someone take me, so I may as well get 'er done. Mini makeover = Happy Birthday to me!

My alarm just went off so I need to finish up here and head down the road to Iowa City, but I wanted to share just one more thing. Over the past two months, people have questioned how I do not freak out, stay so positive, be so confident that it is all ok, and so on and so on. My answer is that it is not me, it is HIM. My God, our God, and given me such a peace and a the absolute knowledge that I have indeed recieved His healing. That healing may not look like what you would expect, but He has indeed healed my body, spirit, and mind in so many ways. I find myself not knowing or being able to find the words to describe it. I feel like people hear me and think "she's on of those crazy Jesus freaks," and they may, but I wouldn't give Him up for anything in this world. I have example after example of how God has proven(not that He had to) his existence to me through all of this. Things that cannot be explained, or simply called coincidence. I want to share with you just one instance.

All of you know that I hoped for the surgery to occur before the new year for giant deductible sized reasons, but that was not the plan, and I know it will all work out. Shortly before the new year, on December 29th I recieved an email from my friend Cara in regards to a ministry she works for that I have had the privilege of being served by. The email said, we have an opening on Friday January 9th for a freedom session would you be able to come in? I knew instantly that this was God telling me the surgery date was not going to be before the end of the year, and that there was one more thing I needed to do.

I went to Wellsprings last Friday, but prior to this I had been praying for Dr. Howe and the surgery. When I would pray, I felt convicted to pray specifically for his HANDS.  After I would pray I would have the same thought in my head, and it was, "I have ORCHESTRATED it all."

As we began in prayer on Friday, one of the team members shared a vision that he had about me. He said that he could see the operating room. He saw me lying on my side(which is the position I will be in) He saw the surgeon, and he saw Jesus. Not His face though, just his HANDS. He said that Jesus placed his HANDS over the surgeon's hands and they became one. He said he saw angels surrounding the scene and described it as a beautiful ORCHESTRA of song. I was utterly amazed at the words that he used, and knew full well that God had given him those words to show me that HE hears my prayers. It was like getting a great big hug or a fist bump from my heavenly Father. My heart is full.

That is my story, and I need to go get ready to leave now.  I am so grateful for all who have met me along the way.  I look at you as answered prayers.   Here is a prayer my friend Cara shared with me last night.   

1You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.
2You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.
5You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, 

you are there.
9If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
12even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I AM STILL WITH YOU.

Psalm 139: 1-18 (NIV)

Immanuel, God with us 

Do you Believe?

Every year each of us gets a new ornament. Sometimes I purchase ones that reflect what my kids are infatuated with at the time; sometimes I let them pick one out. The range of what we end up with is sometimes predictable but typically strange. This year Ryan who enjoys listening to "the man in black," ended up with an ornament of a jukebox that plays Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash, Morgan picked an owl, Patrick picked bacon and eggs, and Jack a dump truck. Needless to say our tree is not a perfectly decorated department store worthy tree and if it had a theme, it would be, All Things Random.

This year on Thanksgiving eve, I was still feeling pretty rough, but I was determined to have some semblance of normalcy, so Morgan and I ventured out to Target for a few things. While we were there, I decided to visit the Christmas department, and came across and ornament that perfectly summed it up for me. It was a simple green ball on which was written one word, BELIEVE.

This is the time of year when we hear a lot about that word, believe. Do you believe in Santa? Do you believe in Jesus? Do you believe in.... What do we believe? Who do we believe? Why do we believe? For me this one word, in this particular season was very poignant.

 My seemingly ordinary life has been interrupted by a tumor that despite our best efforts, wants to remain a bit of an enigma. Initially the tumor was not a tumor but probably just a hematoma, and then it was probably two different types of cancerous growths, and then it was a pancreatic mass, and then it was not, and then... the list goes on. What do I believe? What should I believe?

All throughout this journey, I have openly shared the terminology, advice, and differential diagnoses that my doctors have used. I do not know, and they do not know what exactly we are dealing with, but what I do know is that words have power. I have at times allowed these words to control my thoughts and take me for a ride on the emotional roller coaster. However,I have learned that the power of a word comes only from what we believe about it. So, I have chosen to use the words cancer, neoplasm, tumor, etc. as if they are ordinary, lackluster, generic terms. I don't like the words but I refuse to be afraid of them, after all, a word is only a sequential grouping of letters. God does not give us a spirit of fear. Fear is not from Him, and I refuse to give it power in my life.

So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10

The word that I do choose to believe has more power than any other, is the word of God. The word that tells me in Isaiah 54:17 No weapon formed against me will prosper, or in Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength an ever present help in trouble, or as it says in Job 37:5 that God's voice is glorious in the thunder we cannot even imagine the greatness of his power. I cling to the power in His word. I will not be defeated by words thrown at me by the world.

I was somewhere a couple of weeks ago and someone shouted at me, "You have cancer! How can you look so good?!?  How can you wear those heels?!?!" I didn't know if that was supposed to be a compliment or a sentence, but it left me feeling guilty.  I know she meant no ill will with her words, but I found myself thinking about them for several days.  Should I look a certain way, act differently, behave like I'm dying(aren't we all?), should I be depressed?  I am not a diagnosis.  I have a tumor.

I have seen people suffering with all kinds of different diagnoses from cancer to croup to diabetes. I have always believed that what the patient believes plays a significant role in the progression of illness. I am not saying that people with a positive attitude do not suffer, for we all know that is not true. What IS different, however, is that they are not defeated or defined by words, or the expectations of others. I am on a journey, and I have peace in my backpack. There are rocks, mountains, ditches, and beaches, sun, wind, and torrential downpours. This is MY story, and everything along the way will be unique to me. If you know me, you know that I hardly fit into what is predictable, normal, or expected.
So, if it comes back that it is a cancer, do I automatically become that? When they tell me that it will be at least 6 to 8 weeks before I am worth anything after surgery, do I clear my calendar and take up residence on the couch?
I grew up thinking I'm not good enough to be friends with the cool people. I wasn't a talented enough for the solo. I wasn't Christian enough for others' expectations. I wasn't strong enough to be an athlete. You name it. I believed that I wasn't good enough for anything you can imagine to fill in the blank. These beliefs controlled me for years, and even now I'll hear those lies from time to time.

Words can build us up, and they can cripple us. What will you believe? The lies or the LOVE

 I may sound like Stuart Smalley from SNL, but I now choose to believe that I AM loved. I AM good enough. I AM strong enough. I AM worth it, and so are you.
I choose to get up every morning, thank God for the day before me, and go. I make good choices and bad ones too. I learn lessons. I fall down and fail. I shake it off and move along. I may not look or act like you might expect, but this is the path I am on, the road is hard to see, but I know exactly where it ends, and that is exactly where my belief comes from.

If I am not going to believe what God has said then what is the point of saying that I believe in Him?

I believe that we all have a purpose. I believe that it isn't always clear, and that it often times seems impossible. I believe, however, that if we make our God bigger than our problems, we will begin to see more clearly what He has in store for us. So that is how I chose to continue. I am strong, I am healthy, and I have a tumor. God is taking care of that tumor. He has a plan. It is a beautifully orchestrated plan and He is in control. If I believe in Him then I have nothing to fear.

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

Thank you all for allowing me to be me, and loving me anyway.  I have witnessed the love of Christ in the outpouring of love and support from friends, family, and strangers, and I cannot begin to express what it has meant to me and my family.    My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday January 13th, and I believe it will be a great birthday gift.

Life is a cornucopia

The word cornucopia is a symbol of plenty, and is defined as an abundant supply of good things.  For a week or so that word has been on my mind.   After all, if I stop and think about life right now, yesterday and even tomorrow, I can honestly say it is abundant with good things.  

I haven't posted in a week or so, but I have been busy touring various medical facilities in the area.    I joke that my friend Sandi  and I are on tour and should have shirts made.   She is my trusty designated driver and is quite astute at pulling over in an instant for her occasionally incapacitated passenger.  I hope she doesn't get a complex about her driving, but I do seem to puke every time we go somewhere.

My first endoscopy was two weeks ago.  This procedure went beautifully, well everything except for results.  The staff at Trinity was fabulous!  The afternoon was filled with so much laughing, visits by old friends and colleagues, and of course propofol. It is definitely the way to be sedated.  When I woke up I was awake.  Like really in my normal state of mind.  I picked up my pictures and immediately got back to work asking questions and forming my own differentials and plans.   

So what was the bad part?   I wouldn't call it bad exactly, it is just that the procedure did not get us any further in solving this puzzle. A GIST was ruled out, but now the mass appeared to be on my pancreas.   Okay...What do you do with that? I will tell you where my brain went.   Crazy!  Pick any other organ in the body to tell me I have a tumor but whatever you do don't say pancreas.  That is a scary organ and a scary word.  It is something  that I have feared since I was a teenager.  

The P word earned me a trip to The University of Iowa. 

The big black tennis ball looking circle over my left kidney is the tumor. 

Before I go on I must share some God moments with you.   First off the people that were there to take care of me, from the intake nurse with the funny name, to my friend Angie assisting in the procedure, to my friend and doctor, Dr Cheema, everyone was so kind, and treated me as Dr. Cheema put it as, "a VIP."   When I pointed out my lack of "VIP" status in Iowa City he picked up his phone and got me an appointment the  very next day.   This pancreas fear/paranoia that I have had for years stems from other people's stories and tragedies.  Satan was using that fear as a foothold to make me doubt and fear and lose that peace that God had graced me with.   All I needed was time alone with Him to find my way back into His presence and His promises.  

Psalm 56:3  When I am afraid I will trust in you

Psalm 112:7-8. He will have no fear of bad news his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.  His heart is secure, he will have no fear.  

2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, of love, and of sound mind. 

The next day Heath and I were Iowa City bound.   We were meeting with a doctor that agreed to see us on a Friday night after he was done with all of his other patients.  Now, every doctor does things a little different, and you never know what to expect. If I had to sum up Dr. Johlin in one word, it would be thorough. After the most thorough history and exam and then further consultation with radiologists we did not leave there until just before 7 o'clock.  The hallways were dark and there was only one cheerful staff member waiting for us to check out.  We left with good news, Dr. Johlin did not  believe this was a pancreatic tumor and he had a list of 3 or 4 other possibilities.  All of those were what he called low grade neoplasms.  Praise God!  Next stop, biopsy.  

Psalm 66:5 Come and see what our God has done what awesome miracles he performs for his people.  

Psalm 31:24 Be strong and take heart all you who hope in the Lord. 

Monday was biopsy day.  My kiddos were being taken care of by two amazing friends, and Sandi and I were off for the next stop on our hospital tour.   Again the experience was incredible!  I am in awe of the number of kind, gentle people I have encountered on this journey.  

I have to pause and tell a funny story.   Here I am so grateful that The University of Iowa has honored my VIP card and allowed me to use my Disney fast pass to skip to the front of the line, and I appear to blaspheme the Hawkeyes right there in the waiting room.   I brought a blanket that I am making for Patrick, thinking I will have lots of wait time to work on it.   The blanket is red and yellow!  I am sitting in the waiting room deep in Hawkeye territory and I pull out a blanket that would make any Iowa State Cyclone fan proud.  There was a gasp from the lady sitting across from us, but thankfully it was just appreciation of the blanket and not shock.   I did however feel the need to state loud enough to be overheard that I am a Hawkeye fan and the blanket is a Harry Potter thing not a Cyclone thing.  Good grief what was I thinking!

Back to the procedure room I went, completely prepared and calm.  I had just done this same procedure a few days ago.   The calm dissipated a bit when I arrived in the procedure room and realized there would be no nice anesthesia man with propofol this time.   Instead I had been set up on a blind date with Versed and Demerol, two unsavory ruffians.  They walked in and my memory,walked out.  It didn't come back until Wednesday.  I have only tiny glimpses of Monday afternoon and Tuesday.  I am thankful for all who helped me during that time. If only I could remember...

So here I am a week later.  The biopsies really didn't tell us anything diagnostic, but they also didn't tell us anything dreadful. I am thankful.   I have an appointment Wednesday with the chief of surgical oncology at the university, and from there I anticipate we will finally have a plan to bid farewell to the tumor. 

I think about the last month and it has been a wild ride, ups and downs, an emotional roller coaster.  From another vantage point though I think WHAT A WILD RIDE!!!  To see God's hand at play in your life, to know that His breath is breaking down barriers, to sit at His feet in the morning and hear Him tell you that you are His and that He loves you, that is the wildest, most awe inspiring, amazing ride I could ever hope to be on.   What is so cool is that it's not just for me.   Everyone has the Disney fast pass for this ride.  All you need to do is get in line.  There is no waiting.  

James 4:8 Come near to God and He will come near to you 

Acts 20:24 However I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me.  The task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. 

Life is a cornucopia.  Full of abundant good things.  

Here's a few of the GOOD things I have been blessed with. 

Chocolate covered cherries from Sandi 

A date at the ballet with Morgan from Leigh and Kate 

AND Kristi knows one can never have too many friends.  Could life get any better?!?? 

 And lastly I am humbled by the outpouring of love and support of friends, family, and maybe even strangers that are reaching out to help us.  It is very hard for me to be needy or to accept help.  I am working on this.   My friend and pastor Jason said this weekend in his sermon that the cure for pride is gratitude.  I thank you and I give thanks to God for you.   

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/treharne-family-fundraiser/278322

Traditions

I started dating Heath in the spring of 1995.  That year I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for him, Papaw, and his sister Heather.   It was the first big deal meal I had ever prepared.   I loved it! I thoroughly enjoy making a great feast for the people I love.   I have cooked Thanksgiving dinner every year since.  Each year we see new faces around our table.    We like to open up our home to those who like us might not have family living close by, or college kids that can't go home, elderly widowers, lonely neighbors.  I come from a big crazy family and holidays are my favorite part of being a part of that family.   So I open our home never knowing how many people will be around the table.   I could be noble and say it's all about helping others, but honestly it provides me with the big family holiday surrounded by people to love and be loved by.  

So you can imagine, it was very hard for me to cancel our Thanksgiving dinner this year when all this tumor business came to light. It's funny how things work. The whole "you reap what you sow" business is the real deal.  Our friends, the Cushings, cancelled their travel plans and would be home for the holiday.  My friend Leigh, like myself truly loves the family traditions, and like me was going to be missing them this year.   God makes the most beautiful music! I love how He brought our two families together to provide each of us with what we were missing.   It was a wonderful day we got to spend in a warm and welcoming home with great friends.  It was perfect! 

Leigh for you I give thanks.   One of my favorite verses is from Philippians chapter 1 verse 3.  I than my God every time I remember you.  Thank you friend. 

Our dinner plans may have taken a detour but we were still able to take our annual Thanksgiving trek to the Christmas tree farm and get our tree.  The kids love this adventure for many reasons.   One,they love having the Christmas tree up.  Ryan especially enjoys the tree, and is usually mad at me for a few days every year when I take it down.  Secondly, Heath lets each of the kids sit on his lap and drive around the farm.  Last year it was a bit ridiculous looking when Patrick took his turn as he is about the same size as I am.  This year was a huge deal for Patrick and Ryan because they would get to drive, actually drive, not just steer from their dad's lap.   I should state that this was not only a big deal to the boys but to Heath as well. I'm sure he had mixed emotions of excitement for the boys and fear for the safety of his truck.

Power tool in hand, Heath is in his happy place.  

  All in all they did a great job.   Our tree picking on the other hand was not so great. In an effort to maintain circulation in my feet and hands I chose the first decent tree I came across.   I love our tree now, but let's just say that it needed several adjustments to get there.  

At the end of the day we smile and are thankful for all that surrounds us.   

This is the day that the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it. ~Psalm 118:24

Twas the night before Endo...

The past 16 days have been the longest of my entire life. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride. One moment I'm cruising along smoothly feeling confident and at ease, but in the blink of an eye I'm spinning around, upside down, anticipating the return of my most recent meal. All in all the time has been pretty uneventful, it is what happens on the inside during this waiting game that I am describing. I am very much a do it myself kind of person,and this business about stopping and being helped is quite foreign to me. Actually a few months ago I was talking to my friend and pastor and I told him, "Jason, I help people, I don't get help." Wow did that one come back to bite me. HARD! Living where we do not have any family close by, has forced me to always be self sufficient. I take my kids with me everywhere, and we do just fine. I have been overwhelmed by the flood of help from our friends and church family. So much so that I am fearful that I might forget how to cook. I am so grateful for everyone's support. It has allowed me to stop and just be. I have actually napped and just spent time holding my kids, things I would love to do more but are often neglected in the busy-ness of life. There are days when I have rebelled against the pain, against the tumor, and attempted to conquer the world. It's a great attitude to have but I found that it too bites hard. It really wasn't necessary for me to get down on my hands and knees and scrub all the floors in my house, but I did it and I paid for it afterward. I have this constant battle going on between my brain and my body. It is impossible to win, yet I continue to fight. I'm not quite sure what it is that I'm trying to prove, but it feels good to fight or at least to feel like fighting. One of the best things that has happened is that I have had a reprieve from the pain for 5 days. Yes I counted. Pain is an mysterious beast. It is incredible how it can completely change a person. No matter how much I would try to smile my way through it, I still felt defeated and so exhausted. It is a theif. It steals not only your stamina, but your joy, and your confidence. It leaves you weak and angry. One thing I learned through all of this is compassion for people that suffer with chronic pain. I can only imagine how difficult that walk must be, and I am thankful that my journey with it has been short. Throughout all of this time I have continued to have more tests and talk to more doctors. and yet we still are unsure of what we are dealing with. None of the doctors seem to agree with each other. Test results have not provided any clarity, yet I am scheduled for a surgery a week from tomorrow. What surgery? THAT is the million dollar question! It is my hope that the answer is uncovered tomorrow. Tomorrow I am scheduled to have an EGD/EUS(for those of you with Jeopardy aspirations that stands for Esophagogastroduodenoscopy with Endoscopic Ultrasound). So I end today with this angst over whether or not we will figure out the answer to this riddle or not. I'm shaking from nerves and feel like I want to puke. Test anxiety for sure. I know I listed a lot of the storms that are going on in my head and my heart but what I haven't told you is that with every bump in the road, there has been a constant presence there to hold me up. Some may roll their eyes, some may say I'm grasping for some kind of fantasy, some may think I'm crazy, but I know the truth and that truth is that God has shown me He is here with me so many times since this all began. God didn't need to prove to me that He does indeed exist, but He has revealed Himself over and over and over again, and I am in absolute wonder and awe. I can't describe the peace I have had, or the calmness, and lack of fear that has come so naturally. No matter what is revealed, I know that my God is in control. He is bigger than anyone or anything in existence. He is steering the ship through this storm. He is who I count on, hope in and trust. The most frustrating part of this roller coaster ride are the twists and turns that try to steal what I know to be true and replace the truth with doubt and lies. I will not succumb to those lies. The Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7 that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. That is my truth and to it I will cling. Psalm 112:7-8 He will have no fear of bad news his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear.